Is It Cake… I mean BDSM?
image credit: istolethetv, creative commons
We know what BDSM looks like. Right? I mean, we've seen 50 Shades of Grey. I mean I didn't see it, but the cultural zeitgeist appears to have. It looks like Christian Grey with blindfolds and silver ben wa balls and riding crops and that weird red room with all the fancy hardware.
But as you also know if you've ever wasted an hour you'll never get back watching the Netflix show "Is It Cake?"—things are not always what they appear to be. I mean, those Doc Martens can’t be cake… and yet they are.
BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism. But just because you're doing any of those things, that doesn't in and of itself make it BDSM. All of those things can happen and can instead be abuse. Also, if you're doing them in a way where not everyone is having a great time, at best it's boring and at worst it's assault in a fancy leather harness.
So what separates true BDSM from its lookalikes? My teacher Shelby Devlin breaks it down into four essential criteria:
1. Pleasure
Contrary to what you might think, BDSM isn't fundamentally about pain or punishment—it's about pleasure. Yes, for some people that pleasure comes through pain, humiliation, or fear, but pleasure remains the North Star. Just like some people enjoy the burn of hot sauce while others would rather die, kinksters' pleasure might look different than vanilla folks', but it's still pleasure.
That bubble of attention from your Dominant where you can finally stop thinking and just feel? Pure pleasure. The rush of endorphins from impact play? Pleasure. The deep trust of surrendering control? You guessed it—pleasure.
If someone's not having fun, it isn't BDSM. It's just some asshole in shiny boots.
2. A Defined Container
BDSM is basically erotic role-play—a dark and sexy game of pretend. It's an opportunity to step outside your day-to-day role and take on another, but there needs to be crystal clear boundaries about when the scene starts and when it ends.
This isn't just about throwing around some safewords (though those are crucial). It's about knowing exactly when you're in-role and when you're out. Does the Dom/sub dynamic exist 24/7, or only in the bedroom? Does it start when the collar goes on? When the hotel door closes? Everyone involved should know exactly when you're playing and when you're not.
Without this container, you don't have BDSM—you have a relationship with poor boundaries and confused expectations. Not sexy, just messy.
3. Informed Consent
This should go without saying, but apparently we live in a world where saying it constantly is necessary: BDSM requires enthusiastic, informed consent from everyone involved. Full stop.
"Informed" is the operative word here. Everyone should understand exactly what they're getting into, including risks, boundaries, and expectations. Consent should be uncoerced, and can be withdrawn at any time.
If a submissive believes saying "no" will result in negative consequences like physical harm, emotional punishment, or the end of the relationship, their "yes" isn't true consent. And without consent, it's not BDSM, and it’s not cake either.
4. Lack of Harm
BDSM often hurts but doesn't harm. This is a crucial distinction. Pain (when wanted) is a normal part of many BDSM practices, but harm—defined as physical, emotional, or psychological injury deliberately inflicted—is not.
If something can't be done safely, don't do it. If you don't know how to do something safely, learn first, then play. The foundational principle here is risk-aware consensual kink—understanding the risks, minimizing them where possible, and then making an informed decision to proceed.
Without safety consciousness, it's not BDSM—it's just recklessness with props.
But Wait, There's More!
Here's where it gets even trickier—sometimes things that look nothing like the BDSM you see in movies actually are BDSM. Power exchange doesn't require a single piece of leather or metal. Dominance and submission, mental sadism, and psychological control can all happen with just a whisper or a look in the right context.
That partner who knows exactly how to make you squirm with just a raised eyebrow across a dinner table? The one who can make you wet with a text message? The one who can reduce you to begging with just words? That's BDSM too, even if it looks like two fully clothed people having a normal conversation.
As an intimacy coach, I can help you understand what BDSM is and isn't, your relationship to it, how to experience and practice it safely and pleasurably, and—crucially—how to recognize when something that looks like BDSM isn't actually BDSM at all.
Because just like on that absurd Netflix show, sometimes what looks like cake is actually just a disappointing shoe. And you deserve better than to eat that shoe, metaphorical or otherwise.
