The Art of Being Chosen: Creating Relationships with H.E.A.R.T.

Whether you've been married for twenty years or you're navigating the complexities of multiple partnerships, none of us wants to feel like someone's staying with us because of inertia or a legal document they signed in at a courthouse.

We want to be chosen. Actively, enthusiastically, and repeatedly.

The problem is, after the initial infatuation fades and you've seen each other's less Instagram-worthy moments (their weird bathroom habits, your 3 AM anxiety spirals), maintaining that feeling of being genuinely desired becomes... complicated. More art than science. A dance between independence and connection that even the most skilled among us sometimes stumble through.

As an intimacy coach, I find that regardless of relationship structure—whether strictly monogamous or ethically non-monogamous—the fundamentals remain surprisingly consistent. The healthiest relationships balance autonomy with attachment in ways that allow both people to feel secure while continuing to grow.

Enter the concept of H.E.A.R.T., developed by Jessica Fern in her book "Polysecure." While designed with polyamorous relationships in mind, these principles apply brilliantly to any relationship seeking depth and staying power. Let me break it down:

H is for Here

Presence. Not just physically in the room while scrolling through your phone, but genuinely here. Embodied. Available. Attuned.

This means dropping into your body when you're with your partner(s). Feeling the weight of your feet on the floor. The expansion of your breath. The subtle sensations that arise when they speak or touch you.

When someone feels truly seen—not just observed but witnessed—it creates a powerful experience of mattering. Of being important enough to command another person's complete attention, even if just for moments at a time.

Try this: The next time your partner is speaking, notice where your mind goes. Are you planning your response? Thinking about tomorrow's meeting? Gently bring yourself back to their words, their facial expressions, the timbre of their voice. This simple practice can transform ordinary interactions into experiences of profound connection.

E is for Expressed Delight

When was the last time you lit up at the sight of your partner?

I don't mean polite acknowledgment. I'm talking about that genuine spark of pleasure that says "My day just got better because you're in it." The kind that makes your eyes crinkle and your energy shift.

We're biologically wired to scan for threats, which means we easily notice when our partners annoy us. It takes intentional practice to counterbalance this negativity bias by actively expressing delight.

This isn't about fake enthusiasm. (Trust me, your partner can tell the difference.) It's about cultivating genuine appreciation for the person who, for whatever mysterious reason, has chosen to share their life with you.

Try catching them doing something right. Notice the little things: how they remember to buy your favorite snack, the way they squint when they're concentrating, the particular sound of their laugh. Then—and this is key—tell them what you see and why it matters to you.

A is for Attunement

Attunement goes beyond listening. It's about developing a sensitive awareness of your partner's internal state, even when they're not explicitly telling you what's happening.

It's noticing the slight shift in their posture when a certain topic comes up. The way their breathing changes during conflict. The subtle tone difference that signals they're more upset than they're letting on.

This kind of attention creates safety. It tells your partner they don't have to scream to be heard or collapse to receive care. You're already tuned to their frequency.

Crucially, attunement isn't mind-reading. It's offering your observation as a hypothesis, not a declaration: "I notice you got quiet when I mentioned dinner with my family. Is something about that feeling hard for you?"

R is for Rituals and Routine

Relationships thrive on rhythm. On knowing that certain touchpoints will happen regardless of how busy or stressed life becomes.

This could be elaborate (a monthly overnight date) or mundane (morning coffee together before emails). What matters is consistency and meaning—these moments become the scaffolding that holds your connection in place when everything else feels chaotic.

In my experience, even the most independent people crave some predictability in their relationships. Knowing your partner will reach for your hand during movies or text when they land from a flight creates a background sense of security that allows for greater freedom elsewhere.

The magic happens when these rituals feel nourishing rather than obligatory. When they're containers for genuine connection rather than boxes to check.

T is for Touch and Tenderness

Physical touch releases oxytocin, reduces stress hormones, and creates a biochemical bridge between separate nervous systems. But not all touch is created equal.

The most powerful touch contains an element of mindfulness—an awareness of the person you're touching and the sensations you're creating. It communicates "I see you" rather than "I need something from you."

This could be sexual, of course, but it also includes the casual affection that punctuates daily life: the hand on a shoulder while passing in the hallway, the foot seeking contact under the dinner table, the lingering hug at the end of a long day.

The quality of touch matters more than the quantity. One moment of genuine tenderness—where you're fully present with the unique miracle of another human being choosing to share their body with you—creates more connection than hours of distracted physical proximity.

Creating Your Own H.E.A.R.T. Practice

The beauty of this framework is its flexibility. You can adapt it to your unique relationship dynamic, whether you're working with one partner or several.

Start by reflecting honestly: Which of these elements comes naturally to you? Which feels most challenging? Where might your relationship benefit from more intentional practice?

Then, rather than trying to overhaul everything at once, choose one small action that could strengthen your weakest area. Perhaps it's setting a daily five-minute check-in with no phones. Or creating a weekly ritual that's just for the two of you. Or simply slowing down your touch to really feel the person you're connecting with.

The goal isn't perfection. It's presence. Showing up imperfectly but authentically for the messy, beautiful humans who have chosen—and continue to choose—you.

Because ultimately, that's what we all want: not just to be tolerated or accommodated, but to be actively, enthusiastically chosen. Again and again, day after day, in all our complicated glory.