Sexy Needs, Needy Sex

I want to talk about something many people take for granted - the idea that sex is a "need." We've all heard it: "Men need sex," "I have needs," or my personal favorite, "I'll die if I don't get laid." But as Emily Nagoski points out in her book "Come As You Are," this framing is not just inaccurate, it's potentially harmful.

Here's a simple thought experiment: What happens when your actual survival is threatened? When you're genuinely starving or dehydrated or freezing to death? Your body's response isn't to amp up your horniness - it's to shut down your reproductive functions entirely. Your body essentially says, "Sorry, no time for baby-making when we're trying not to die."

This tells us something crucial: sex isn't a biological need like food, water, or shelter. It's a drive - a powerful motivation toward something pleasurable that's wired into our brains and bodies, but not something required for individual survival. This distinction matters.

When we frame sex as a "need," we subtly position it as an entitlement - something we're owed. And when something becomes an entitlement, it creates a permission structure for demanding it from others. Historically, this has been weaponized against women in particular - "I need this, therefore you must provide it." This framing has been used to justify everything from marital rape to sexual harassment to emotional manipulation.

Don't get me wrong - partner sex and physical intimacy are transcendent pleasures of human existence. Many (though not all) of us experience a drive toward them that can feel overwhelming at times. But here's where it gets interesting: partner sex is generally only as good as our capacity for intimacy and trust.

And that brings me to the good news: the path to better sex with others begins with better intimacy with yourself.

Rather than obsessing over getting laid as a "need," try developing a deeper intimate relationship with yourself first. This means learning to respect and trust your own boundaries, honoring your capacities, and developing a genuine appreciation for your body exactly as it is.

It means connecting erotically with yourself - not just hasty orgasms before bed to help you sleep, but really setting aside quality time to explore and appreciate your body as a source of pleasure. Good masturbation isn't just a consolation prize for when you can't get "the real thing" - it's a foundational practice for understanding your own desires.

When you develop this kind of relationship with yourself, something magical happens. You stop approaching potential partners with that desperate "I need this from you" energy. Instead, you approach them with a genuine interest in mutual pleasure and connection.

The irony is that when you stop treating sex as something you're entitled to, and start approaching it as a collaborative pleasure you're interested in sharing, you're much more likely to have the satisfying, connected sexual experiences you're actually craving.

So maybe the question isn't "Do I need sex or intimacy?" The better question might be: "How can I develop a rich, intimate relationship with myself that will set me up for meaningful connections with others?" That's a question worth exploring, and one I'm passionate about helping people answer.